I'm blogging now, does this make me a writer?

I never thought of myself as a writer/blogger - I'd rather make something with my hands like knot some strings together and make myself a purse - but here I am one blog deep! I’m going to keep it real, I may have spelling or grammatical errors and I’m not a writing perfectionist, but I do intend to learn and get better with crafting my style of writing through blogging. I started this blog/website so I can record and share my journey of perpetual self-improvement. Not gonna lie, I read Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey (a memoir), and I was inspired by how he catalogued different moments of his life and told his story. He shared childhood memories, rites of passage and growing into his success along the way. I want to be able to look back at this site as a catalogue of my life and thoughts. Who I was, who I am in the process, and who I am destined to be. I'm always striving to be better than who I was yesterday. [Except yesterday, I made the best guacamole I had ever made and maybe that was my max potential in that area, and I'll accept that! The lime/avocado/garlic/seasoning ratio was *chefs kiss*.]

Now, where did this self-discovering, self-improving + growth mindset stem from? When did this seed get planted and how did it grow? It's hard to pinpoint an exact moment where I felt like I needed to pursue more out of this life and become the best version of me - especially when a year ago I was consumed with living a fast paced lifestyle. Travel, work, date, work, travel, socialize, date, work, travel, spend time with family, travel, rinse and repeat. I was constantly chasing the next destination without paying attention to the journey. 2020's debacles allowed me to slow down since I wasn't able to keep it moving onto the next (great blessing in disguise for me). I had to make another plan of action. Most of the goals I set for 2020 at the beginning of the year were thrown out the window, so I needed to re-evaluate my life, my goals, my next step. I wasn't going on a downward spiral or anything, but I also wasn't climbing to where I knew my full potential can take me. My short-term goals were very loosely based around wherever and whenever I wanted to travel and I was just living for the now (which isn't a bad thing). Although, I never took a deep look into who I wanted to be in 5, 10, 20 years. When I think about the different chapters of my life that sum up the person I am today, I can't say there's anything greatly significant that I've accomplished that truly gave me a deep sense of purpose and meaning. The feeling of "this is what I'm meant to do" never anchored itself in me even when I was succeeding. I only really got that tingle when I was travelling and indulging in adventures that scared/excited me. When I was naturally good at something, I just got by being good at it, but never pushed myself to see the results of max effort. That was too much work. I was already comfortable, so sometimes I just chose to not challenge myself. And that applied to both personal and professional development. That doesn't mean I didn't have moments of great accomplishment. There are many parts of my life I am incredibly proud of and succeeded in doing. But while I felt accomplished, I didn't feel fulfilled. There was still something missing, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I needed to switch it up and try new things to find my groove. I quit my full-time job, took on a part-time job serving at a restaurant and nannying 2 days a week. While this sounds like more work, these part-time positions were so flexible, I was able to take plenty of time off to travel anywhere between 4-7 weeks at a time. It was perfect. While I loved the adventure, during that period I never took the opportunity to establish a solid foundation for myself that would allow my mind, body and spirit to grow and transform with my experiences. I had very little discipline, I didn't challenge myself mentally or physically, I didn't think about my long-term goals, and I started spending more money than I was making. I was only relishing in the new experiences - which isn't wrong - but my desire for more was losing it's fire, and my funds were decreasing. I was becoming less ambitious and even more broke. Eventually like many, I grew tired of my own complacency. I knew deep down that I can do better and that I have a lot more to offer.

Let me tell you why I got tired of my own shit. I had no discipline and relied heavily on motivation. Any habits I tried to implement never truly stuck and made a difference in my life. When I lost weight, I couldn't keep it off - I'd bounce back with more. Any money that I had saved, I'd impulsively spend it on a trip or experience. I couldn't wake up early, I was perpetually late, I lacked energy, I prayed only when I remembered, I worked out when I felt like it, I couldn't finish reading 1 book in a year, and I couldn't even take birth control consistently enough when I was on it, so it turned my hormones inside out (which added to this cycle of unpleasantry). I was letting myself down and I made a lot of excuses for these inadequacies too. I didn't know what I wanted long-term (in career or romance), I was losing faith in my own capabilities, I lacked creativity, and I was just watching time pass me by. Woe is me, right? With all of this self-induced negative energy orbiting my life, it's no wonder I lacked self-confidence and even let my dating standards plummet. I entertained dates and people that I didn't really have an interest in pursuing further - I was just bored, wanted attention, or felt lonely. I left things up to chance instead of putting in the necessary and desired effort to get what I wanted and what I knew I deserved. I wasn't truly happy with everything I was doing, and felt a great disappointment in myself for not trying hard enough - even though I was good at seeming content with my life by projecting my uplifting spirit and niceness. Which brings another point, I was too nice to people. I didn't like to speak up. Confrontation made me uncomfortable so I'd just try my best to forget about whatever was eating at me, instead of addressing it. I'd use up my energy to block the negativity instead of just letting it pass through and being done with it. And then that would eventually build. It all started to snowball into an unhealthy behavioural pattern that just kept on feeding on itself. I was sleep walking. I was not conscious. I was doing things people told me I should do, instead of doing what I wanted to do in the first place. Unfortunately I think this case is all too familiar for many people. I know I'm not alone in feeling defeated or disappointment in myself - we are our own biggest critics - and it's a natural stage of life, but it's just not a good feeling being stuck in arrested development.

Thankfully, I woke up. I came to realize that the problems that I was facing were opportunities for improvement. 2020 gave me a chance to recalibrate. I saw the direction I wanted to shoot for, but my aim needed tweaking to hit the target. It's never too late to recalibrate! You just have to harness that desire, lock in the fire, and keep pushing. Anyone can do anything that they truly believe in. The beautiful thing about life is that you can change your course, simply by changing your mind.

Anyway, I will cover more with specific topic posts on how I slowly pulled myself out of that sunken place mindset in the last year and broke past the limitations of my own mental boundaries. I'm physically the most fit that I've ever been, my body is performing the way I need it to, I've found a great balance with food/diet again, I've ditched old habits and implemented new ones, I'm exploring new hobbies, creating multiple streams of income, got rid of all my credit card debt, and I'm on a mission that I feel is really going to bring me into a new phase of life that I'm ready to take on. I'm still on a journey of improving everyday, but I already feel like my best self right now and there's still more to come, so that's a promising sign. Lastly, I'm grateful to have you reading along!

Leaving you with a photo that I took during sunset at a village in the Northern Thailand jungle. It reminds how abundant and sacred life is when I think about the people I met there and along the way. I'll share my experience and story staying here in another post later. For now, just enjoy the simplicity, beauty, and essence :)

~Abundance + blessings to you~


Hi, thanks for lending your eyes and reading!

I was always hesitant to start a blog because I always thought, "Who even cares to read this?". But guess what, I do! That's what matters most. Learn about why I started this journey :)

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